still be here
by kathryn-natalya
Summary: Bella has been called up to heaven died :P but can Edward cope with that or will he break down . but will Bella's miracle pull him through? all human :D
1. Chapter 1

**AN - hey there ! i thot that i should try the sadder side of life so pls tell me if i managed to make u cry or not**

**Still be here**

**Chapter One: Time to Fly**

It was snowing a blizzard the day we buried her. The heavy snowflakes were falling and settling, leaving the town cloaked in a white blanket. We made the funeral procession go ahead, through the thickly covered streets of Forks, so she may have her wishes granted.

I walked behind the horse-drawn hearse, dressed head to toe in black, fighting back the tears. My sister, Alice, was walking behind me with the kids, holding their hands like I should have been. Beside me was Charlie, Bella's father, fighting the same fight I was, but he was losing. We were not too proud to cry in public but we were attempting to present a united front for the kids.

Every so often I would fight for my breath, the frost in the air mimicking my actions as the water in my breath froze, leaving what looked like smoke behind. It was hardly noticeable compared to the snow falling gracefully though, which was a welcomed distraction.

People came out, either to pay respects to the procession walking through, or to join the walk to the church where she would be laid to rest. I avoided eye contact with all of them, knowing I would see pity in their eyes. That was just something I couldn't take at that moment.

With each step we grew closer to where I would be saying goodbye for good. Before the funeral I had that last silly piece of hope that this was all a horrible nightmare I would wake up from. The minute she was laid to rest, at peace at last, I would have to wake up to the reality that she was never coming back. She was gone.

The church was packed to the brim with family, friends, and acquaintances that knew either Bella or myself. They all apologised for my loss, shook my hand and moved on. Some hugged me, needing to feel or give a little form of comfort but most stuck to the hand shake. My expressionless face probably told them I wasn't up for pleasantries before my wife was about to be buried.

My mother, Esme, sat the kids at the front of the pews, next to our main family and friends. She looked back over her shoulder to me and nodded, telling me it was time. I wanted to scream and cry out, throw a tantrum fit for a two year old. This just couldn't be it. She couldn't have died. No. She'd come back to me. She'd be at home, waiting for us. We needed to go home immediately. I couldn't stand there.

"_Edward, honey, please."_Her voice was crystal clear, whispering in my ear. It pulled my back to the many memories I had of her doing just that, whispering those words in my ear, convincing me to calm down, to love her, to grant her wishes, and to let her go.

A sudden light-headedness took over me and I felt my knees go weak. My father grabbed my arm and hauled me up to my feet before my knees hit the ground, and Charlie assisted. We caused minimal distraction and barely anyone noticed.

"You have to stay strong for this son," Carlisle whispered, the pain evident in his face too.

Bella was like another daughter to him and losing her had hadn't been easy on him either, or the rest of the family for that matter. We all felt her loss, like a pebble dropped into a pond, the ripples of her death had affected us all.

Several family members, Alice and all that, got up to say some words and then it was me. Their words were comforting but painful too, recalling times I had forgotten about. Then it was me. I had to say something, it was expected.

My legs felt like they would give out underneath me as I walked up to speak. All eyes were on me, some encouraging me to speak and others eyeing me with pity. I was going to have to get used to those looks.

Clearing my throat, and my head, I began, talking off the top of my head and hoping to ease people's worries about me and how I was coping.

"Bella..well where do I start? Bella was my first crush, much to Charlie's dismay." I shot him an apologetic smile to which he shook his head, giving me a weak smile back, silent tears streaming down his face. "As many of you know she moved up here to stay with her father. Well on her first day at Forks High School she tripped her way over to my biology desk and captured my heart with that all too familiar blush of hers."

I had to stop, to hold off the waterfall that was preparing to stream down my face. I promised myself I would make it through this in one piece and with God as my witness I would do so, no matter how many times I had to stop and start again.

"When we found out about the cancer the first thing Bella said was 'together we soar, but alone we can still fly' and it took me a while to work out what she was telling me. Before we even knew how serious it was she was resigning to the fact that she wouldn't be around to help raise our children together. She was resigned to the fact that she would leave us, not by choice, but leave us nevertheless. She was taken before her time, and she knew this was one fight she wasn't going to win. Bella, the most stubborn person I've met, gave in. It beat her. It stole her from us and left behind the memories.

"Bella cared for all of you, the people of Forks. She gave her heart and soul to this small town, embracing it's quirks in every which way. I'm sure all of you have your own memories of her, I know I do. She asked that I give you all the chance to write some of these memories down on the books we have so that when the children grow up they can get an insight into what she was really like."

I looked over to some of the pictures they had of her, adorning that graceful smile, that coy smirk, that angry pout, and that gorgeous blush. God what I would give just to see that one more day, just to kiss those lips one more time, hold her to me one more time.

"My beautiful girl, I'm going to miss you so much my darling but I hope you're safe, happy and pain-free now. You were an angel among mortals and now you're finally home, back in heaven. I'll love you forever my love," I addressed her, as though she was standing three feet from me.

Without saying anymore I shook my head and moved to sit down, the dam finally breaking and the tears spilling through. My father was on hand to take over next, it was meant to be Charlie but he was too cut up about it to speak, which I could understand wholeheartedly.

I followed the rest of the service to some degree. My mind was reeling from the emotional turmoil that I wanted to sleep, sleep forever and wake up next to my angel, in our bed, fourteen years ago, so I could relish every moment with her, knowing there would be an expiration date somewhere along the line.

Someone, I think it was Jasper, my brother-in-law, came and got me when it was time to move outside. We had the service in the church and were going to carry the coffin over to her burial site. She was being buried in the Cullen land of the graveyard, a corner at the far back, which was cared for specially. It was separate from the other graves in the yard, at least giving her some privacy. That much she deserved.

Charlie, Carlisle, Jasper, our best friends Emmett and Jake, and myself all picked up the coffin once it was cleared of flowers and made the long walk out of the church. I leant my head against the coffin and kissed it quickly, biding her one last farewell before we set it down.

The snow was still falling heavily so with few words from Priest Weber she was buried. And that was it, reality sunk it pretty fast. Emmett, who was by far the largest guy in our friend group, came over and gave me a crushing bear hug. He didn't say anything but it was clear this was tearing him up as much as the rest of us. Emmett usually didn't show deep emotions but when he did it was a sight to behold and right then he was hurting, badly.

Rosalie, his wife, came over to comfort him. I wanted to kick and shout about how he still had his wife yet was hugging and clinging to me. If I had those few precious moments with Bella I would not waste them. If her death taught us anything it should have been to cling to the ones we love like their our air supply, show them how much they mean to us like it might be the last.

Esme came over and took my hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. She told me the kids were in the car and that we were going home, trying to get me to come with her. There was a wake being help but I wasn't going. Alice was taking me home with the kids and we'd be there while everyone else went to the wake. I just couldn't bring myself to go, to be around people telling me their sorry and that they understand when they don't. They never lost their wife; they have no idea what it feels like to be facing the world alone from now on.

We returned to the house and like it was any other day the boys wanted to go outside and play. I knew they would be handling grief differently but I was angry they wanted to play on a day like this. Alice dealt with it though, sensing I was a mess, and gave them ski gloves and proper hats so they wouldn't get too cold outside.

She cooked us some food that neither of us planned on eating and kept my daughter amused. I sat like a zombie, barely feeling just to carry on. I don't know how much time past or for how long I sat there, but it had to have been several hours because when I looked out the window it was getting dark.

"Guys, come in the house now please!" Alice called, ushering the boys inside. They shrugged off their big woollen jackets and hung them up on the pegs like they were taught. I smiled a little as they raced through into the living room to warm up in front of the fire.

"It will be okay," Alice said, putting a steaming mug of decaf coffee in front of me.

"You think so?" I couldn't help but think this was something the kids or I would never recover from.

"Yeah, I know so. It's hard now Edward, I know." Tears were welling up in Alice's eyes. She did know, she had lost her best friend, much like me.

I opened my arms and she walked into them, crying softly into my embrace. Her tight little fists beat my shoulders in anger and rage. I took the blows and relished the physical pain. Being so numb from the emotional pain it was good to finally feel something, despite that it was going to probably leave bruises.

"Aunt Alice?" my son, Robert, asked. He was standing in the doorway, holding an empty glass and looking worried.

Alice quickly tried to compose herself before turning round. She gave him a soft smile, inviting him over. Getting down on her knees so she was at his height level, give or take, Alice accepted the hug he was offering her. My little gentleman.

"_Our little gentleman."_ I nodded in agreement with Bella's voice, not caring that it was in my head. It sounded as real as you and me, I was going to cling onto it for as long as I could, just to hold her that much closer to me. Physical distance does not annihilate love.

"Are you sad about mummy?" he whispered, as though not to speak any louder in case it upset me.

"Yeah, I miss her."

"Me too," he said, staring down at the floor. "I want her back."

"So do I, so do I." Neither of them were voicing what they both knew, it wasn't possible, though I wished it was. "Now, what did you come in here for? I thought you were warming up by the fire."

Alice immediately took on the role as nurturer, seeing to Robert's every need and sending him back through. A flutter of memories assaulted my brain and I needed to get out of the kitchen for a moment. Standing up I grabbed my jacket off the pegs by the door and put it on.

"I just need a few moments, alright?" I whispered, looking out over the yard and towards the gazebo.

"Yeah, of course. Go on, I'll be here with the kids," Alice said, prompting me out into the garden.

"Thanks," I replied, shutting the door behind me before moving forward across the snow covered grass. I kicked the snow off the steps leading up to the gazebo, not caring about soaking my feet, and walked up to take a seat.

I glanced over at the house one more time to make sure the kids weren't watching before finally allowing myself to feel what had been bottled up for so long. Knowing that three young souls depended on you and only you was a lot to take in and I was trying so hard to be strong for them. They were dealing with enough today, they shouldn't have to worry about daddy crying too.

When they went to grandma's later that evening I would break down, I would really let the waves crash over me and drown myself in the pain of the memories. After all, I couldn't forget, _would never_ forget, my beautiful wife, Bella.

Through the window I could see Annabelle, our youngest child at the age of four and our only daughter, now sitting up on the counter, watching everyone else move around the place. Her big brown eyes were going to be a constant reminder of who I had lost for the remainder of my days. She was Bella's double.

"What now, huh?" I asked aloud, begging for her voice to cut through the rustling wind and wrap me in familiarity. "What do I do now Bella?"

The lack of response ate at me, confirming what I knew but hated to accept.

"I can't do this," I admitted, imagining her sitting next to me like we would during summertime. "I don't know what I'm doing and I will just mess everything up. You were the one who knew how to handle the kids, I just supported you. What the hell am I going to do without you?"

"_You'll manage, you always do."_

"I won't this time, and Alice, Rosalie or my mother will have to step in. That's not fair on them, and it's not fair you're not beside me, helping me."

"_I am helping you Edward, I will help you. The kids will be fine."_

"What about me? I'm not going to be."

"_No, but you'll survive until we're together as one again."_

"I don't want to wait."

"_You can't leave them to fend for themselves. They need you."_

"Well I need you and that didn't work out now, did it?" I regretted the anger in my voice. I shouldn't be lashing out at her, not when I had this precious time with her. "I need you back Bella. The kids need you. Our family needs you."

There was no response and I feared I had scared her off with my venom.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I just….don't think I can do this. I want you, I need you near me, here with me and I'm a mess without you."

"_I can see that honey."_Her voice made me sigh in relief, happy to have her back.

"Don't leave me."

"_I'll never leave you,"_she whispered. _"I love you."_

"I love you too, more than life itself."

"_Don't do anything foolish,"_she warned. _"They need you just as much as they need me."_

"You're right, they do, and they do need you. I mean, how am I going to cope? I'm not. What do I do when Annabelle hits puberty and starts her period, or when she wants to date? And what if she has questions about sex, who does she get to ask?" I asked frantically, running my hand through my hair and tugging on it forcefully, thinking of all the instances where our little girl would need her mother. "What do I do then?"

"_You answer her questions, you support her and you love her enough for the both of us."_It felt like a goodbye, another one.

I sat in silence for a while, taking in what she said. As the sky darkened more the temperature dropped, meaning I had to go back inside. My parents had both arrived and were gathering the kids' things so they could go over to their house. I greeted them both, no doubt allowing them to see the hollowness behind my eyes, and helped.

When it came to saying goodbye I knelt down in the hall and told all three of them how much I loved them. Annabelle returned the sentiment before hugging and kissing me, Robert nodded, hugged me goodbye and went to Carlisle, while Louis, the eldest at the age of seven, didn't say anything.

I knew at that point he was as hollow as me on the inside, except he was much better at masking his pain. Mine was bared out for the world to see whereas he was keeping it hidden, close to his chest. I'd have to talk to Carlisle about that, make sure he checked him over to make sure he was going to recover from this at some point. Though, at the present moment, I doubted whether I was going to recover.

At the same time my parent's arrived, Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper returned from the wake. They were all sitting in the living room when I returned. After hearing a bit about what happened, all the love and support people offered, I began to tune them out, trying to tune everything out and just switch off. It had been a hellish day.

Alice got up and left the room, I presumed to make a drink or something. She returned though, not empty handed, but with a book in her hand, and eyeing me slyly. I leant back in the chair, knowing this, whatever this was, was going to test my ability to remain calm and collected in front of them.

"She gave me this, to give to you," Alice said, sliding a journal over the coffee table for me to look at. "It's to help you."

I picked it up and examined the cover. It had been decorated, her familiar handwriting gracing the front of it. I ran my fingers delicately over the letters, knowing that as some point not so long ago she had touched here too.

"You don't have to read it now, with us all here. Just promise us you will look at it," Rosalie said, leaning into Emmett's embrace.

"I promise," I whispered, nodding. I would cherish that journal more than anything else, especially seeing as it was her last parting gift to me. There's no way I would cast that aside as if it didn't mean anything to me.

Everyone was silent, waiting for me to say something else but I had nothing more to say. What was there to say? My wife was dead. I couldn't do anything to prevent it and had to watch it happen, watch her go. Hell, I could remember everything about that day, from the way she smelt – like strawberries – down to the socks she was wearing – red hockey socks if you're wondering, her feet were cold.

I remember the last words, last kisses, last touches and last looks.

Bella died early evening on November 12th, at home, in our bed. The very same bed I've slept in every night since then, holding on to her pillow with a python's grip for that lingering smell of her, and holding onto the memories like they would vanish in an instant.

"I think it best we all go," Jasper said to the still silent room. The four of them gathered their belongings, hugged and kissed me goodbye before heading out for their homes, with their soul mates.

Once the sound of their cars grew distant I let it all out, curling up on the couch to cry my broken heart away. My head became excruciatingly painful as the night wore on from all the tears, and I was getting to that point where you cry so much you can't cry anymore.

At some point I drifted to sleep though I had no knowledge of being tired. I was hurt, wounded and broken, yes, but not tired.

Getting up in the morning I ignored the pains in my neck and back, and continued on up the stairs to freshen up. The kids would be coming home at some point so I had to at least change my clothes. I stripped down and took a shower, trying to wash the pain away but sadly to no avail. Reaching into the cupboard I pulled out any clothes I could reach and threw them on, not caring if they matched. Who cared anyway, it's not like I had someone to look good for.

I went to brush my teeth and paused midway, reaching for my toothbrush. Lying next to mine was Bella's, untouched since the last time she used it. I couldn't help but think back to the last time I had seen her brushing her teeth, how close it was to the day she died.

"_You and I both know I'm not going to be here long Edward, don't fool yourself."_

"_Don't do this Bella, don't give in," I pleaded, leaning in the doorframe and watching her get ready for bed._

"_Edward, honey, it's too late," she whispered, tears in her eyes and shaking her head. "You need to accept that this is going to happen, whether we like it or not."_

"_I can't lose you," I said, digging my heels in about this particular topic, even though I knew I was being very unrealistic. But really, why would I want to accept that my wife was going to die?_

"_You won't lose me, I'll be here." There was so much conviction in her voice I wanted to belief her._

"_Won't be the same," I mumbled, hating how we even had to have this conversation in the first place. None of this should be happening. "How can you be so strong?"_

"_Because one of us has to be." Bella continued brushing her teeth and placed it down on the counter, wiping her mouth with the small towel. "You can manage, you will manage without me Edward. Raise them well, and I'll be there to give a helping hand." Her soft lips kissed mine before she delicately made her way back to bed._

I grabbed my toothbrush, squirted some toothpaste onto it and then went to town on my teeth. All this pent up anger was pouring out by any means necessary, and this time it was at the expense of my gums which were beginning to bleed.

"Stop it Edward, get a hold of yourself," I said aloud to myself. "They need you, buck the fuck up."

And they did need me. It was Louis, Robert, Annabelle and me from then on out. If they needed something they would have to come to me. If they needed to talk it had to be with me. Granted, my family would be there for them too but it would mainly lie on my shoulders.

Bella wouldn't want them to suffer from her death, although they would. She wouldn't want me to push them away because they resemble her or because life was too hard. Hell, if anyone knew how hard it was she did, so I had to get a hold of myself, for the kids' sake.

Even though I was not hungry I forced food down my throat and cleaned the place up a bit, avoiding all the things Bella had left lying around though, like her little knick knacks. That was one thing which would never change; I would not be removing her belongings. It would be healthy to remove them at some point but right now, I couldn't even consider that thought, it was too ludicrous.

If the kids asked, I would however, remove her things. They had to be my top priority now…now that I had no idea what I was doing. Frowning at that thought, I walked downstairs and was surprised to see the journal on the coffee table still. I thought I had dreamt of that.

There was no better time than the present to have a look at it, without the children around, so I moved over and took a seat. Picking it up carefully, I set it in my lap. Opening the first page I saw Bella's familiar hand writing again and began to read, practically hearing her saying all this in my ear.

_Still be here and let me guide you through these years._

_This will be your parenting manual, tackling everything you could possibly need help with. I may not be with you physically but when I promised you that we would raise our children together, I meant it._

_So, you're probably wondering what's in this. Well, I took a trip down memory lane and have filled this with suggestions, help tips, guides on how to bring up certain topics and generally things to make your life as a single parent easier._

_I will be there though Edward, every step of the way. I'll be holding your hand so don't let go. And remember, I love you, forever. We will be together again, have faith._

_Bella_

Remember you? How could I ever forget you, Bella? Love of my life and mother of my children don't even begin to convey the love and adoration I have for you. It would not be possible to forget.


	2. Chapter 2

**Still be here**

**Chapter Two: Alone**

_Edward's POV_

The days following Bella's funeral I shut down. It was best to block out the feelings of pain and loss when around the kids so I built up a mask to wear with them. After reading the first entry in Bella's journal I had to put it away otherwise I was going to lose myself again. It went forgotten in my bedside table until Alice mentioned it in passing, asking if I had checked it out recently. That night I of course took it out to read.

The kids were tucked in bed and the house was dead silent so I knew I wouldn't be disturbed. I wanted to read this away from everyone, in complete solitude so I could break down if I needed to, which I suspected I would. Reading the words was like listening to her voice, talking in my ear. That journal was like a connection to her, as though she was still alive, guiding me through it all.

I settled down on my bed and ran my fingers over the cover, cherishing it. Taking deep breaths, setting myself up emotionally, I opened the book and flicked to the correct pages. And like before, her voice filled my mind.

_Bereavement_

_You and the children are going to have very different reactions to my death. I don't know how to offer you comfort Edward other than say I love you and that your family is there for you. They can help, you should talk to them. I need you to be able to move on from my death, ensuring that the children can do the same._

_In regards to Louis, Robert and Annabelle, they will all act differently from one another. Obviously I'm not sure how they will react but I can tell you the things to look out for or what to maybe do. They could lash out, pick fights and generally act angry. Or they could shut down, blame themselves and turn away from the things they used to like._

_You need to be as open with them as you can, and put it in language they will understand. I suspect that will be harder with Annabelle compared to the boys. Robert may struggle to understand at first but I believe he will catch on eventually, Louis will probably play a part in that. With Louis, he will be the hardest to handle. He has grasped this entire situation from the beginning so knows it all, it won't be simple._

_If you need to get professional help for them, and yourself, then do so. It's not a shameful thing to accept help. They may need it, you're going to have to make that decision. No one will make that decision for you though. You may need to realise that yourself and if you do, that's okay. I love you Edward and I do not want you to torture yourself with my death. If you need help, take it, no one will blame you for it._

_I know it can't be easy for you now Edward, living your life without me there but I need you to keep trying. It'll become easier in time. And remember, I'll always love you._

_Bella_

I closed the journal, silencing her words and put it back in the drawer, out of sight but not out of mind. I continued to take my calming breaths until the swarm of emotions had been beaten back. It was gradually becoming easier to hold everything in, as long as I didn't think about it.

Bella had brought up some very good points, ones I would share with my family in regards to the children. Carlisle would be able to help me a great deal no doubt, advising on what behaviour to specifically look out for. It was clear that at this point in time I would be relying on my family more than ever.

That night I slept, dreaming of my blushing brunette beauty. Bella had been in every one of my dreams since the night she died and I saw no chance of it letting up. Frankly I didn't want the dreams to stop. She returned the next night, and the night after that. I would find myself going to bed early just to spend more time with her, but of course it was never enough and when the buzz of the alarm went off I wanted to kill someone, preferably myself.

Days continued to pass, and I was still living, just not feeling. My family's watchful eyes never let up, constantly checking to see if I was managing or if I was still sane. It was getting rather tedious after a while but I knew they were only looking out for me. The kids were doing okay, well Robert and Annabelle were.

Louis had done a one-eighty with his behaviour, compared to what he was before Bella died. He was moody, aggressive, foul tempered, cheeky, and turning into a right little git. It started out with him just yelling at Robert, for God only knows what, and then it turned into him breaking the frame of a family photo. I wanted to kill him for that but thankfully my parents were around at the time and stepped in.

His attitude didn't change and November moved into December with no improvement. Annabelle had stopped asking constant questions about mummy's death, which did help my mood, and Robert had acknowledged it in a lengthy talk with Carlisle, but still nothing from Louis. Although he understood it perfectly he was struggling to move past it.

On one particular night in early December it was clear things had to change, for all of us. Everyone came round to have dinner and just be together. It was my mother's way of keeping the family in touch despite one key member no longer being there.

We all had dinner, which was bearable, and then the kids went next door while we settled in the kitchen. I was just leaning against the worktop, not taking notice of what they all were talking about. It was best to just let them get on with and leave me to my memories of Bella and I talking late at night in this very kitchen. I could see her washing dishes by the sink, sipping coffee at the counter, hunting through the fridge late at night, and see her smiling at me by the doorframe.

What dragged me out of my trip down memory lane was Louis coming through looking genuinely pissed off. I didn't know what had set him off but hell, from the look of his face it had to have been something big. Then again it could just be another mood swing he's having.

Louis came in and, spotting his mood, Emmett spoke to him. It was a joke of some sort but Louis didn't find it funny and instead stormed out the room, sprinting his way up the stairs and then there was a slam from his bedroom door. I sighed and rubbed my head, expecting so much.

"Whoa, what's wrong with the little man?" Emmett asked, looking lost.

"Nothing…nothing he's just been…acting out." I shrugged.

"He's done that before?" Alice asked, frowning.

"Yeah that and some other stuff." There was too much to explain so I wasn't even going to start.

"Have you reprimanded him for it?"

"No, why?" I was shaking my head, not understanding her sudden curiosity.

"Would Bella let him get away with that kind of behaviour?" Everyone blanched at her question. No one had played that card yet and I didn't think anyone would. Using Bella like that was not nice. I glared at her and she sighed before biting her lip. "He's looking to you for leadership, give him it."

"Alice, his mother is dead; I'm not going to go off at him for slamming a door."

"You have to Edward. Don't you see, that boy is testing the boundaries. He thinks that everything is going to be different without Bella around, that you are going to let things go a bit. Louis is slamming a door right now but what happens when he's picking fights at school? He's angry Edward and wants to take it out on someone. That can't happen."

"Alice is right Edward," my mother said, sipping her tea.

I flipped at that point, losing my mask of contentment. It was all so hard. Without even thinking about it I threw the glass of water against the wall, it smashing down into hundreds of shards across the counter and floor. Alice gasped in shock and the others looked on in surprise as I began my tirade.

"What do you want me to do, all of you, seriously? Do you know how hard this is? I am a widow now, raising three kids alone! My wife died! She died and left us here. I can't do this without her. She's gone, for good. They don't understand and no matter how many times I explain it nothing changes. Always the same questions. It's too hard and it wasn't meant to be this way." I crumbled against the worktop.

Jasper stood up and came over, pushing me out of the kitchen. I let him, not fighting his efforts. Emmett was walking behind him, leading me away. They clearly were trying to calm me down so I didn't lash out like that again.

Looking behind them I saw Alice picking up the glass pieces as my mother wiped away her tears, Rosalie comforting her. I needed it all to end. I needed Bella back. This wouldn't be happening if she was here. Instead things would be back to normal. I wouldn't be going to bed alone. I wouldn't wake up alone. I wouldn't be alone period.

The guys opened the back door and moved us into the garden. I was practically a limp body, being held up by their arms. I didn't have the energy to care anymore. The ice cold breeze hit my back as they stood me up, in the centre of the backyard.

"Let it out," Jasper said, pushing me backwards.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, rubbing my arms, attempting to keep warm. My simple shirt was doing nothing to protect me from the cold and I wanted to go back inside, at least to grab a jacket.

"You're angry, get it out Edward. You can't keep this bottled up. If you do it'll eat you alive and next time you could lash out at the kids."

"I'd never-!" He shut me up with a glare, his eyes begging me to challenge him because of course, I didn't know when the next time I would lose it could happen.

"Do you really want to take that chance?" Emmett asked, frowning at the ground. "I know you're hurting Edward, more so than us but you need to get yourself together."

"I know that! I know what I have to do but I just can't! She's everywhere. She sleeps next to me at night, she's there when I wake, she's in the bathroom when I shower, she's in the kitchen when I cook, she's in the car when I'm going to work, she's in the living room reading when I'm working, she is everywhere!" I was on my knees, beating the ground with my fists. "I want the pain to go away, I want it to stop," I whispered.

"I think you should go see someone," Emmett said, his voice sounding cut up.

"What do you mean?" I asked, not bothering to lift my head. The cold grass was actually comforting in a numbing sort of way.

"Get professional help. You can't seem to do this yourself." I heard Jasper hum in agreement

"After Christmas. We need to get through one holiday at least."

"Edward-"

"No, please. After Christmas."

Both of them were muttering to one another but then agreed, making me promise to ask Carlisle for someone to get help from once the holiday season was over. If I didn't do it then they would and I know that would make things impossible for me. Esme was already frantic with worry; she'd just blow her rocket if she suspected I was putting off getting help.

I read over Bella's words from the journal that night, once everyone had left. Well, I say everyone but actually my mother had come to sleep over in the guest bedroom. I think she was freaked out by my reaction earlier that she needed to stay around and ensure I wasn't going to do anything drastic to either the children or myself. Her lack of confidence in me should have been worrying but I didn't care.

Rereading the journal, particularly about what she said in regards to getting help, I didn't feel so awful and such a failure. I knew things would be hard when Bella died but I never expected it to affect the kids so much, which was a serious mistake on my part.

As I gave my word to Jasper and Emmett they didn't see the need to mention it to the rest of the family, for which I was glad. It is not as though they would react badly, just that they would encourage me to do it before Christmas rather than after. I was only so adamant about that as I felt the holiday would bring home her absence and give us something to move forward with.

So after Louis' temper tantrums and my outburst I tried to keep things normal from then on out, or as normal as they could be. When it came to putting up the Christmas decorations Esme made it a family affair and had us all take part. Annabelle and Robert loved it and relished in the festive activities, while Louis stayed in his room or when he was there he watched on looking bored. I was at a complete loss as to what to do with him.

With each passing day Christmas grew closer and I knew it was getting time to read Bella's journal entry. She had small entries and memories in between her big entries but I found those small ones left me reeling for days to come. I loved them with every bit of my soul but it was as though my healing wounds were being ripped open all over again. However, I was not going to cast it aside and leave the journal to gather dust.

Eventually I got down to reading it; again late at night while everyone else was asleep. It was better that way, I could cry myself to sleep without someone coming in. Like last time I soaked in her voice as I read, knowing that she was still with me as long as I could hear her.

_First Christmas Without Me_

_I'm not going to sugar-coat it because that wouldn't help you at all. So to be blunt, this holiday is going to be very, very hard, for you and the children. You need to celebrate it though, give them some form of relieve from the problems going on. Just because I'm not there does not mean things have to stop._

_Keep with the routine. We've gotten pretty good at Christmas if I do say so myself Mr Cullen so this should be easy to do. Wake them like usual, or rather, let them wake you. Open the presents first, then the stockings second. Let them play but cook a light breakfast. Your family have agreed to come round and help you Edward, they want to be there for this too. Esme has agreed to bring food so coordinate with her what all of you will be eating. Dinner will be at the usual time and round things off with letting them watch a movie. They're used to this, it shouldn't have to change._

_Do the same for the rest of the holidays that come up – keep to the routine. They need to know they can still have fun with you, without me there. And remember, I'll always love you._

_Bella_

Come Christmas day we followed the routine exactly as to how Bella had suggested it. I did everything we normally would do and I stuck to her words like they were the Holy Grail, though to me they were.

For a change the children all enjoyed it, even Louis. My family made it a great affair and I found myself enjoying something for the first time in months. Christmas was also the night Alice decided to tell us she was pregnant. I was very happy for her, but a small bit still felt sad; recalling all the different memories of Bella pregnant.

By the time the night was over everyone, including myself, was shattered. The kids retired to bed early, having been worn out, and I stayed up for a while with my parents. Only when my mother headed to the kitchen did I ask my father to send me some contact information for professional help. He seemed to be ecstatic that I was even asking for it and to him I made his Christmas.

Within days of having that conversation the information was emailed to me. There were two sets of numbers, someone for the children and someone for me. I called them both and set up appointments, knowing it was best to start as soon as. Breaking the news to the kids though was going to be a difficult, that much I knew.

Although Annabelle and Robert had both shown signs of moving passed Bella's death I didn't want to take any chances. They may not fully, though I believed they did, understand the situation and this time round I thought it better to be safe than sorry. After all, her death would no doubt affect the rest of their lives.

Alice came over the night I had agreed to tell them, more so for moral support than anything. Plus, I think she wanted to remain firmly involved and for that I was not going to fault her. I needed all the help I could get, despite thinking I was making small improvements.

We sat the kids down in the kitchen and I explained the situation in full to them. I had to speak at a level Annabelle would understand and eventually she caught on to what I was saying. When asking if they would go Robert and her agreed right away, seeing no harm in the matter. Louis, of course, did not agree.

"I'm not going," he said, shaking his head and storming from the room. I rubbed my forehead with my hands and let him go. I would get to him later. Turning back to the other two I checked to see if they were both still okay with going, which they were, and then left them with Alice.

I nipped up the stairs and knocked on Louis' door briefly before entering. He was sitting curled up, his knees to his chest, on the bed, glaring at the comforter. His dark bronze hair was in complete disarray, no doubt from him running his hands through it, a habit he picked up from me.

"Louis?" He looked up at me as I sat opposite him on the bed. "I think we need to talk."

My boy shook his head, frowning and biting his lip. His breathing was picking up, as though he was going to cry, but he was fighting it back. I didn't want him to hold back, he was doing just like Bella said, shutting down and lashing out.

"Louis I need you to go see this doctor," I began. "I know you don't want to but I promise you, it'll help."

"How?" he mumbled, messing his hair again.

"You're missing mum, and it hurts." Despite it not being a question he nodded. "Well this doctor is going to help take that pain away. They're going to help you, Robert and Annabelle."

"What about you? Who's going to help you?" I was taken aback by that. I thought I had hid my pain from them well but apparently not.

"Do you think I need help?"

"You still miss mum."

"I'll always miss mum." And I would. Hell, I don't ever see a time where I won't crave to have Bella back in my life.

"Do you cry?"

"Yes I do occasionally."

"Alec said boys don't cry." Louis was fighting back his tears, doing a much better job than I seemed to be able to do.

"Well in this case Alec is wrong. There is nothing wrong with crying if you need to." His breathing picked up some more yet still, not a single tear fell. "Louis it's alright to cry, it'll help. And hey, if you don't want anyone to know, then this can be our little secret."

"Promise?"

"I promise." That seemed to do it.

Louis collapsed into my chest, sobbing his heart out. He beat my shoulders with his fists in anger, then began clutching at my shirt like he was going to lose me. I held onto him tightly, trying to reassure through my simple touches that I wasn't going anywhere. Saying that aloud would be foolish as Bella had said the same thing to him only days before we found out about the cancer.

My boy spent most part of an hour crying himself into exhaustion. He ended up crying himself to sleep and once I had him tucked into bed I did the same thing in my room. His pain was my pain and that night I felt it like I had been struck by a thunderbolt.

Louis did go to the appointment and gradually his mood improved. I went to mine and the other two to theirs. It was all going okay for them and that's what mattered. My pain and suffering was insignificant to theirs.

Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries came and went but still the hole in my chest remained. It seemed to be irreversible damage from her death, one that could only be reversible if she came back to life. As I didn't see that happening anytime soon I continued on the routine I knew so well. It worked for the most part.

Whenever there was a new entry to read I would find myself giddy with excitement, desperate to hear her voice, which never failed to disappoint. Another part of the journal was a recipe section at the back that I had to be filled in about by Alice. Bella had written down all of her recipes in a fashion that meant I could cook them without getting too lost. Before discovering that my parents usually brought food round but upon finding it I jumped on the opportunity to cook like she had, take the advice she had left and just feel that bit closer to her.

Summer passed by uneventfully for all. The once family holiday Bella, the kids and I would take was abandoned due to my inability to come to terms with her loss still. No matter how much work I did with the Doc I was still feeling her death like it happened yesterday.

Too soon the school year was approaching, which meant Annabelle's first day at school. She had been excited about it last year, before Bella died, but this year seemed put off it for whatever reason. I didn't know how to even approach that subject, thinking she wouldn't remember, so left it well alone.

Leading up to her first day of school I took out Bella's journal and followed my usual mantra. It was an all too familiar ritual I had with that book but seeing as it was the only thing keeping me sane I did not complain.

_First Day of School – Annabelle_

_Our little girl's growing up fast. Today is a big day for her. She'll look adorable in her uniform so take plenty of pictures; though I'm sure Alice will come round and do that for you._

_So how can we make this day easier for our girl? Well I suggest that you make sure she feels comfortable with the arrangements. Annabelle usually adapts well to new situations but this one might be different. Walk her through her day with her, talk it out and make sure she understands that you will be there to pick her up. Explain that all the other children are new too therefore are just as nervous as she is. If, for whatever reason, she doesn't want to go please don't let her off. This is one step she needs to take, no matter how much she kicks and screams._

_Ask the boys to make sure she's okay and settled before heading off to their class if you need to go early and ensure they're alright with returning to school too. They do need to go though; it will be good for them in the long run, getting back into that routine._

_It won't be as hard as it seems. Before you know it the first day nerves will be gone and she'll be itching to go to school. Though we both know that feeling won't last for long. Good luck on that first day, and remember, I'll always love you._

_Bella_

On Annabelle's first day of school, much like Bella said, Alice came round ready to take pictures. My darling girl showed off her uniform to her aunt and then proceeded to get ready, up to Alice's standards. Bella should have been the one to do that and it broke my heart knowing that she had looked forward to that day so much, only to miss it entirely.

Gripping the counter tightly I counted to ten in my head before beginning the next task that was on my list. I made the boys' lunch and put them in their bags and then started on Annabelle's. Alice came down telling me my girl was ready to go and then showed herself out so she could get to work on time.

A few minutes after her departure Annabelle made her way back down the stairs, looking as immaculate as ever. I saw Bella's face in her eyes and had to physically tear myself away from looking at her. It just hurt too much. Trying not to dwell on those emotions I put myself to work finishing up her lunch.

"Are you ready?" I asked.

"Yeah." It was a lazy response which stopped me mid-stroke of buttering the sandwich. I placed the knife on the counter and knelt down to look her in the eyes. Annabelle glanced up at me when I put my hands on her shoulders.

"What's wrong darling? Why do you look so sad?"

"Mummy said she'd hug me goodbye today. She's not here."

"Oh." I didn't know what to say to that, surprised Annabelle even remembered that promise. "Well seeing as mummy isn't around, how about a hug from me instead? Would that make things better?"

She was pouting but nodded, throwing her small arms around my neck tightly. I forgot how impossibly hard this all must be for them. Hell, Annabelle didn't fully understand what was going on. To her, mummy was gone for good but that's it, she doesn't seemed to have fully grasped that mummy died, she didn't leave by choice, no matter how many times I try and tell her that.

Releasing her from my hug I finished making her lunch and then boxed it up properly before slipping it into her school bag. The boys had made their way out to the car and were waiting patiently in the backseats, both amusing themselves. Annabelle crawled in the back with them as I locked up the house and then we were on our way.

I dropped the boys off, letting them get out and head to wherever it was they went to. Once they were dealt with I parked the car and helped my baby girl out the vehicle, giving her a little assistance putting her bag on over her blazer.

We were sheltered from the wind by the car, leaves licking at our ankles. Kneeling down so I was at her height I gave her a smile and opened my arms again. She fell into my embrace, clinging again. I told her that I loved her and that I would be there to pick her up once school finished. Then we went through all her worries and I did my best to squash them.

"So, are you ready?"

"Yeah." It wasn't very upbeat but there was a look of determination on her face that had me convinced she'd be alright.

"Okay then, let's go." I stood up and reached down, taking her hand in mine.

We crossed the road and headed into the school yard, all the while her grip on my hand grew tighter. I got her to her classroom, kissed her head goodbye and watched as she was introduced to the teacher and some of the other students. Bella should have been there to see it.

Knowing that this was one hurdle I had successfully jumped I felt an overwhelming sense of pride but it was mixed in with a sense of dread. There were going to be many more hurdles I would have to jump, alone, and many of them would fall. _God Bella, where are you when I need you?_

Walking back to my car I made the trip alone, which was how I would be spending the rest of my life; alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: Hallucinations**

_Edward's POV_

Life carries on. That was what I was beginning to learn, and it was a hard lesson.

By the middle of September Alice had her baby (who was very late much to Alice's dismay), a little girl who weighed in a six pounds and seven ounces and was forty eight centimetres in length. They named her Lillian, or Lily for short, and she was a welcomed addition to the family.

After Bella's death, although it had been so long ago it was still fresh on our minds; we needed something good to happen. And Lily's birth was just that. Of course it sent everyone into chaos, which was actually rather comforting. It was good to know that despite losing a family member we could still all be ourselves. It's not as if we don't feel her loss any more, just that we don't take life for granted.

Lily's birth was the culmination of that realisation. With her birth we all gathered together to celebrate, and dotted on her constantly. Annabelle was ecstatic that there was now another girl in the family as she kept saying how she wanted a little sister. She would have had a younger brother or sister had it not been for the cancer that stole her mother.

I couldn't help but look at baby Lily and picture her with Bella's hair colouring and facial features. It was hard at times. Originally Bella and I only planned for two children, a girl and a boy. When we had two boys we wanted to try again for a girl. After Annabelle's birth, though not right after as Bella still wanted to cut my balls off for putting her through the birth again, we did speak of maybe having another baby.

That would never happen now, of course. Bella was gone and I clearly couldn't make a baby myself. Not that I would want to either. It wouldn't be the same without Bella around. As much as I hated to admit it, she was always better with them when they were babies. It was like she just knew what they wanted and when they wanted it. I, however, was a complete mess, getting the formulas wrong, putting the diapers on the wrong way and just generally making a royal mess of it. We enjoyed it though, and those years were some of our best.

Thinking about Bella all the time was just so easy to do that half the time I wouldn't realise I was doing it. There would be times, much like now, where I would think about something and suddenly she would come up and that's all I would be able to think about for the remainder of the day. Slowly I was driving myself crazy with it.

To keep myself partly sane I still attended the professional help my father set me up with. The children were also still going to theirs, which was very helpful. Annabelle and Robert had both made the most improvement in regards with coming to terms with their mother's death but I always knew they would. Louis was getting there but even now, ten months on, he would still cry himself to sleep at night or get upset when someone mentioned her. We were rather similar in that aspect.

Every night she joined me in my dreams, where we would live out the life we were meant to have, and every day I would struggle to get by in one piece without her, yearning to go back to sleep, to go back to her.

On the outside, I presented the perfect mask. To everyone I was doing okay, I was still stung from Bella's death but had moved on. Inside, I was grieving as heavily as I was the day she died and the day we buried her.

It still felt like a part of me was missing. I never got the term 'my other half' but now I understood it perfectly, because that's exactly what I realised I was missing. My other half had died and I was struggling to cope.

To try and keep some semblance of normality I kept the guys' nights Jasper, Emmett, Jake and I used to have. Jake stopped coming though. He and my wife always had an unusual relationship, having known each other as little kids, and I suspected that he was in love with her. That didn't stop him being a groomsman at our wedding or being godfather to Robert though. But it was clear; Bella's death tore him apart. He didn't have the memories I had with her. He didn't have her undivided love and adoration for seven years straight before fathering her children. No, he had childhood memories and teenage fantasies.

I couldn't hate Jake for loving Bella though. It wasn't so blatantly obvious that's what he felt for her when she was alive otherwise I probably would have hated him. I just assumed they were close friends at first and then when Bella and I started going out he became a good friend of mine. Now though, things were different. She wasn't there to brighten up his day and I could understand why he wouldn't want to spend his time with the man who married the girl he loved.

Losing his friendship didn't hurt. It only reminded me of what Bella brought into our lives. She held us all together and without her things were obviously breaking apart. Thankfully though, I still had Jasper and Emmett. They were going nowhere. So like usual, when the game was on they came over with food and beer to watch it on my TV as, apparently, I had the best one.

Robert and Louis were both staying with friends that evening and Annabelle was up in her bedroom when Jasper, Emmett and I settled down in front of the television. They had strategically placed the beer and food out on the coffee table and side tables so we could reach them without having to move anything other than an arm. It felt good, to finally relax a bit and just take things as they came.

"Daddy?" a small voice said from the doorway. Knowing that Annabelle was the only other person in the house I turned on the couch to see her walk over to us.

"Yeah?" I asked, giving her a small smile and setting my beer down next to the lamp, on a coaster. Bella always insisted on coasters and looking at Jasper's beer on the coffee table I was glad to see there was a coaster for it too.

"Are you busy?" Annabelle asked as she jumped up onto the couch and sat down. She tucked herself underneath my arm and looked up at me with those impossible to say no to eyes.

"No, not at all. What do you need?"

"I want to play but no one is around to play with." She pouted and looked down sadly. I hated when she looked like that.

"What do you want to play?"

"I want to play with my doll's house. Mummy used to play with me but she's not here." I pulled Annabelle closer and kissed the top of her head, closing my eyes in pain at the memories of her mother camped out on her carpet playing with her.

"We can play."

"Really?" she asked, smiling.

"Yeah. I'll just clean up in here for a second and then be right through, okay?" She nodded excitedly and scampered off into her bedroom. Getting up off the couch I grabbed my beer bottle and finished it off, heading into the kitchen. "Can you guys hit record, so I can watch this later?" I asked Em and Jasper, nodding at the TV.

"Yeah we can record this, watch it later, can't we Em?" Jasper asked.

"Of course, no problem at all." Emmett hit record and then turned off the TV, getting to his feet as he did so.

"What are you doing?" I asked, frowning in confusion as Jasper got up as well.

"Coming to play," he replied, like it was nothing. I watched rather astounded as the two of them began heading up the stairs to Annabelle's room. I followed though, and walked in behind them as she just finished setting up the doll's house my parents had bought her.

"Are Uncle Em and Uncle Jazz playing too?" she asked, seeing them too.

"That's right kiddo, so show us how it's done," Emmett replied, sitting down crossed legged in front of the doll's house. Jasper smirked and joined him on the floor. I just smiled and sat down, thankful for their help.

Two hours later the three of us were sitting on the floor, each with a stuffed animal on our laps, holding plastic tea cups. This was something I never saw myself doing, and I could tell Em and Jazz didn't think they'd be like that too.

Once tea was finished it was time for bed and after letting Annabelle get changed in private we tucked her in, said goodnight and shut the door quietly behind us. Em headed to the kitchen to grab the beers and some food while Jazz set up the TV again. Within minutes we were back where we had been two and a half hours before, watching the game.

"I just want to say, thanks. That really meant a lot to me," I said, nodding at them both. "You really helped me out."

"Hey, no problem. You know, that kinda made me think about some things. Rose and I want kids of course and I always thought I'd want a boy but hell, I could do that. I'd really like a little girl now," Emmett said, shrugging. "I can just imagine myself spoiling her, and of course she'd be Rose's double and have her brains. It would be a lot of fun." He lost himself in his own thoughts before taking a drink of his beer and looking at the screen.

Jasper didn't need to say anything, his eyes said it all. He understood how hard that was going to be for me, knowing my little girl wanted her mummy but had to settle for her daddy instead. His natural calming nature helped greatly. They were the brothers I needed at that moment and I knew they would always be there for me.

When the game finished I hugged them both goodbye, thanking them once more. Both said it was nothing but they evidently knew how much it meant to me that they were willing to play with polls and tea sets for my baby girl.

As the boys were out and Annabelle tucked up in bed I decided to retire for the night too. I shut up the house and headed up to bed, checking in on Annabelle before moving on to my room. Shutting the door behind me and flicking on the lights I looked over at the bed. It was made neatly without a wrinkle or crease on the cover, just how Bella liked it.

Stripping down to my boxers I nipped into the bathroom and brushed my teeth then washed my face. Looking at myself in the mirror I noticed lines that had become more prominent since Bella's death, and the all too familiar bags underneath my eyes that never seemed to go away. I looked plain haggard and worn out, which was exactly how I felt.

Throwing myself into the darkest depths of my memories I pulled all of them involving Bella together so that I could imagine her here with me. It was like I was using them as the power to my imagination, conjuring her up, despite knowing that she wasn't ever coming back.

I saw Bella, dressed in those small boy shorts and matching tank top that she had, standing behind me in the mirror. She was biting her lip as she moved towards me, looking as tempting as ever. Her slim arm wound round my body to rest on my waist as she stood on her tip toes and leant her head against mine, chin on my shoulder.

"_We look good together,"_she said, smiling at me in the mirror. I couldn't help but smile back and nod, my arm taking her other one.

"We look great together, always have and always will." As if in agreement she kissed my cheek and then down to my neck.

"_I've missed you."_

"I can only say I've missed you more, but I'm so glad you're back." I gave her hand a squeeze and brought it to my mouth to give it a kiss.

"_I am too."_Her smile disappeared and she didn't look so happy anymore. She frowned at me as her hands ran over my face. _"You don't look as good as you did when I was last here. What's happening? You need to take care of yourself."_

"I'm trying but God, it's hard without you." I took a deep breath and was overwhelmed by the smell of strawberries. Despite still having three bottles of that shampoo under the sink I didn't dare smell it anymore. Now though, I was basking in it, knowing that my wife was back completely.

"_Well it'll be easier now, I'm here."_And thank God for that. Untangling myself from Bella I turned round to see her. She looked up at me with those beautiful doe eyes I missed and a small smile playing at her soft lips I was so desperate to kiss once more. Knowing that she had returned, she was back in my arms, meant I didn't have to hold back anymore.

I crushed her to me, kissing her as passionately as I could. She returned my kiss with as much passion possible and was practically clawing at my hair and skin, like she was trying to become one with me to be closer. Moving out of the bathroom we walked backwards into the bedroom. It only took a second before we were on the bed, her on top of me and kissing down from my lips to my neck.

"I love you, don't ever leave me," I whispered, lifting her head back up to mine and just holding her to my body.

"_I love you too, and I won't. I'll always be here Edward, forever."_Kissing Bella once more I returned to trying to show her how much I loved her and how much I missed her by worshiping her body until I was dead from exhaustion.

In the morning I woke up with the sheets rumpled round my waist and naked. My head was killing me and it felt like someone had smacked me with a pan. Looking over at the clock I saw it was twenty past seven. I reached out over to Bella's side of the bed only to find it empty. Turning over sharply I looked for her but she wasn't there. I got up quickly, calling her name and checked in the bathroom. She wasn't there.

As Annabelle was in the house I quickly threw on clothes then jogged downstairs, calling Bella's name somewhat quietly so I didn't wake our little girl. I could hear someone in the kitchen so felt relieved that she was in there but when I arrived all I saw was Alice with baby Lily in her arms.

"Where's Bella?" I asked, frowning.

Alice looked at me in confusion and opened her mouth but no words came out. She shook her head, shutting her mouth before opening it once more.

"What do you mean, where's Bella?"

"She was here, last night. She came back. She was-" I broke off when I saw the tears streaming down her cheeks.

Alice placed Lily down in the pram she had with her and grabbed the phone. I heard her speaking to my father and I couldn't understand why. Once off the phone Alice returned and gave me a hug. She cried a little more when I asked her what was wrong and where Bella was.

When my parents arrived along with Jasper, Rose and Emmett I started panicking. Something bad must have happened and Alice had to have been too upset about it to tell me. My father ushered me to a chair in the living room as my mother went to check on Annabelle. Half way up the stairs I asked her to look out for Bella as she was here too. The only response I got to that was a pitiful nod.

"What's wrong?" I asked the room, waiting for at least one of them to answer.

"Edward, what did you mean by look out of Bella?" my father asked, ignoring my question.

"Well Bella's here. She came back last night." They all shot looks at one another and then back at me.

"Edward, Bella died, ten months ago. She's not here," Jasper said, sighing. My whole body froze in the chair and I couldn't tear my eyes away from his.

"What?" Jasper was making no sense. Bella wasn't dead. She was here. Last night she was here.

"Bella died of cancer," Emmett supplied, biting his lip anxiously.

"I know she did but she's back. She came back last night while I was getting ready for bed," I said, shaking my head at them and their accusations that she wasn't here.

"Edward, son, please accept that Bella is gone for good." I continued to shake my head at my father.

"I saw her, I smelt her, I felt her. She was here. Bella! Bella!" I cried, standing up and racing towards the stairs. Emmett grabbed me and held me back.

"You'll upset Annabelle. She shouldn't see you like this."

"Like what? There's nothing wrong with me." I tried to get past him but he wasn't having it.

"Carlisle, what's wrong with him?" Rose asked, frowning.

"I think he was hallucinating." My father approached me and took hold of my flailing arms. "We need to go to the hospital Edward."

"Why, is Bella there?" Alice was crying once more and quickly went into the kitchen with Rose, I suspect to check on Lily.

"No, she's not. She'll meet us there though." I nodded and stopped struggling.

"Right, good, let's go." Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper all shared a look before ushering me to the car. I didn't care that I wasn't properly dressed; all I cared about was Bella. I needed to see if she was okay. Though if she was at the hospital I doubt she would have been.

Carlisle and Emmett rode with me to the hospital. The whole journey was spent in silence. Once inside Carlisle took us to his office and then said he was going to find out where she was in the hospital. I waited with Emmett in more silence, just itching to go and find my wife again.

My father came back but he wasn't alone. Three other men were with him. One was a doctor but the other two looked like nurses. I backed up quickly when they approached me, knocking the chair over in the process.

"Edward, we just need to give you something to calm you down, before you go see Bella." He was lying. He had tricked me. Bella wasn't here. They were trying to keep me from her.

"Bella!" I screamed, throwing books from the bookshelf behind me at the men. I needed her to come to me and explain everything. "Bella!"

"Edward you need to calm down. This will help," the doctor said, advancing faster. In his hand he held a needle and I knew I wasn't going to like the outcome of the situation if I had whatever was in there injected into my system.

"Stay away from me! Bella, my love, help me!" The two nurses grabbed me with help from Emmett. I struggled against them, successfully knocking everything off of Carlisle's desk. It's not like it mattered though. "Bella!"

The needle was injected into my arm and then I was pushed down onto the floor where the men took proper hold of me so I wouldn't be able to get out their grasp without dislocating my shoulder or something.

"Edward, I'm sorry but this needs to happen. You've had a hallucination and from your behaviour this morning I'm really worried about your mental health. Bella's dead son, you need to accept that. She didn't come back last night, you imagined that. Please understand that I'm doing this to help you."

I began sobbing at Carlisle's words, not wanting to hear them. Bella wasn't dead. She just wasn't. I wouldn't have that. It wasn't a hallucination. I felt her, I made love to her, she was there. Crying heavily I was hoisted up onto my feet, though not using them for support. If either of the nurses decided to let me go I'd hit the floor pretty quickly.

"Take him to a room where he can be monitored please," the doctor said, Carlisle nodding in agreement behind him.

I was carried through the hospital and placed on a bed. Immediately I tried to get up and push my way out the door, to look for Bella but they held me back down.

"Edward are you going to stay here?"

"No, I must find Bella." Carlisle sighed at my response and waved his hand, as though to grant permission for something. It wasn't until several more male nurses walked over with straps in their hands that I realised what they were going to do. Fighting with all my might I tried to get away before they could bind me to the bed. Being outnumbered though, they easily held me down and attached the restraints.

My cries of help and pleas for Bella clearly became too much as they administered another sedative. This one put me to sleep. What must have been many hours later I awoke still strapped down to the bed? Around me sat Jasper, Alice and my mother. They all took notice when I pulled against the straps, trying to free myself.

"I'll get your father," Esme said as she walked out the room. Alice and Jasper then descended on me.

"How are you feeling?" Alice asked, looking concerned.

"Where's Lily?" If both her parents were standing by my bedside then she must have been with someone else.

"Rose and Emmett are watching her, along with Annabelle, Robert and Louis." God they must love that.

I lay there silently, avoiding the looks both of them were giving me. I remember why I was here. Bella came back to me, or so I thought, and when I went looking for her again I freaked the family out. She never really had returned, that was just too much wishful thinking on my part. But my God I believed it. Though no wonder, I had been praying for her return every day since her death, if I thought she was back I wasn't going to brush the situation off.

Jasper opened his mouth but I shook my head, telling him I didn't want to hear what he was going to say. It was best if they became aware of the fact that I knew she was dead by themselves, not by having me use what they say as leads.

"I know she's dead. I know she's not coming back. And I know that I imagined her last night. But I thought she was back. I wanted her back."

"You don't need to explain Edward," Jasper said, coming over closer. "None of us can understand what you're going through. If I lost Alice and thought she had returned to me much like you did then I can bet you that I would in the exact same situation."

"It's not an excuse for my behaviour though."

"You're grieving, we understand that much as we still all are grieving Bella's loss. However, we aren't feeling it to the magnitude you are. You clearly need more support to get past this."

"That's the thing; I don't want to get past this. I don't want to get past her. I love her and don't want to lose her."

"We're not asking that you give up all your memories of her. We just need you to be able to cope now that you're on your own. You're not coping, that's obvious now so we need to do something about that."

Carlisle walked in after that, with my mother following behind him. He explained the situation, from what happened that morning to the hallucinations I must have had last night of Bella. Then he told me about what was going to be done from that point on.

Louis, Robert and Annabelle were going to come and stay with him and my mother while I got myself back on my feet. I would also be moving in with them. I was going to be prescribed anti-depressants and other assortments of medication to get me back to 'normal'. Rather than argue I accepted everything that was being said. I had to be there for my kids and if this was the way to do that, being drugged up to my eyeballs, then so be it.

Finally the binds were undone and I could move freely about the bed. Carlisle insisted that I stay in hospital for a few days in case I had another hallucination but I was certain that wasn't going to happen. I had accepted the fact that Bella wasn't going to come back, whereas before I was silently holding on for her return.

I relished my freedom once I was let out of the hospital. Although that was before I realised I was losing one prison for another. At the hospital I was checked on and monitored by doctors and nurses. Upon moving into my parent's house they became the wardens, watching my every movement carefully.

Thankfully they took over the job of explaining to the kids why we were staying with them. I wouldn't have known what to say without giving them the truth, that their father had a complete breakdown. Whatever excuse my parents gave seemed good enough because the three of them never said or asked anything. They just got on like everything was normal.

Currently I was sitting in the living room watching them play a board game with Emmett and my mother. Em was trying to cheat only to be caught by Annabelle who was very strict about enforcing the rules. Every so often my mother would look up and check to see if I was still there or if I was okay. I had expected her to be constantly checking on me but I wasn't used to it yet. However, I knew I would have to get used to it as in roughly two months time it was going to be a year since Bella had died. My parents would go overboard then with making sure I was alright, especially after the hallucinations.

God, I had no idea how I was going to be then. It would be hard...no it would be impossible. Thinking about living without her before she died was painful, now it's excruciating to live that life. I can recall all the memories from the days before she died. Although being in so much pain and so weak she tried to smile and present a calm front. Whether she was calm or not was beyond me. I was terrified and in agony from watching my wife die.

Back then I hated sleeping, whereas now I can't get enough of it. She's in my dreams now, always there, but leading up to her death I didn't dare fall asleep. Every night I stayed awake and watched her, specifically the rise and fall of her chest. Occasionally there were a few scares where I thought she wasn't breathing but in all it was smooth sailing at night, as if she knew not to leave then. However, that didn't stop us from professing our love and adoration to one another before curling up to sleep. If I hadn't gotten my goodbye then I wouldn't have been able to cope. Though, it's not as if I'm really coping now.

"Excuse me for a moment," I said, standing up and heading through the house. I had choked up and didn't want to cry in front on my children, not when they were doing so well.

Rather than be left alone like I wanted Emmett followed me. I had headed outside, to where it was beginning to get cold seeing as it was late September. We both stood silently for a minute, looking out onto the backyard and into the trees.

"Remember back in highschool when you went to pick Bella up for prom," Emmett began, smiling.

"How could I forget?" I just couldn't help but smile.

"We drive up behind you and see Chief Swan aiming a shotgun at you as you promise him there will be no fornicating whatsoever. That was bloody priceless." Emmett chuckled and shook his head. "And then once you two joined us in the Jeep Bella told you in her no nonsense voice that you would be breaking that promise. You practically jizzed your pants." Emmett was full out laughing by then. "God she was brilliant."

"Yeah, she was." I decided against correcting Emmett's comment about me 'practically jizzing my pants' as that never happened. Granted, I became disturbingly pale but I never lost myself.

"How are we managing without her?" Emmett asked, suddenly all serious. "I mean, she was a major part of our life, how can each day still pass when she's not here?" He was fighting back the tears, taking shallow breaths. "Christ Edward, I miss her. She was like a little sister to me. We were always laughing and taking the piss out each other. She was constantly telling me I was on steroids and I was taking the piss out of her not being able to walk on a flat surface without falling over. Why can't we still have that? Why can't she still be here?" The agony and pain was thick in his voice.

Listening to everything he said was breaking my heart, because I knew all of that. I knew there was a big hole in our lives where Bella should have been. I knew what that pain felt like. Turning to him I pulled him to me, hugging him. Sod being manly and having a man hug, we were past that.

"Alice wanted her to be Lily's godmother," he said, gripping the back of my shirt tightly. "Hell, I wanted her to be my kids' godmother. She's meant to be here."

"Boys?" Emmett and I turned together to see my mother standing in the door. She took one look at us and tears formed, knowing why we were distraught. "Together we can get through this." Esme walked over and hugged us both, kissing our cheeks. "We're not alone in our grief, we have each other. And together we can remember Bella but stop hurting from it."

"Promise?" I whispered, wiping the tears away. I sounded like a lost little boy depending on his mother's word to make sure everything was going to be alright.

"I promise."

The three of us stood together, still hugging, for God only knows how long. Each of us tried to get some composure but would choke up a little more at a sudden memory. Only when the temperature became too cold did we agree to go inside.

"Remember, we can do this," my mother said, squeezing out hands.

I wanted to believe her with my every being but did have doubts. I thought I had moved on, although only slightly. The hallucinations and the constant pain were clearly signs that I hadn't moved on at all. Rather, I had immersed myself in her memory and committed myself to months of unnecessary pain.

I had to move on. Moving on didn't mean I would forget cause hell I could never forget. Moving on just meant I could maybe get some enjoyment out of life and think of it as doing what Bella would have wanted. Moving on, although sounding simple, was going to be hard, possibly too hard. But, I had to try, for Bella. It's what she would have wanted, I'm sure.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: Learning to Laugh Again**

_Edward's POV_

Moving on was harder than I thought. What I loved about the house was all the reminders of Bella. However, as I was trying to move on, those reminders were a hindrance. She was everywhere I looked and surrounded me fully. It was unhealthy. I needed to change things but I wasn't going to without the children's permission. They needed to feel comfortable and any way I could do that I would, even if it meant recalling my wife every second of every day.

Sitting the children down in my parent's kitchen I sat across from them, smiling softly. My kids were my world and I would do anything for them. They were what mattered the most and I had to take their opinions into consideration. If they didn't want Bella's belongings to leave our house then they would stay. I could live with that.

Even though I was moving on, that didn't mean I was forgetting Bella. She would always have a place in my heart, no one would replace her. And I didn't want anyone to. Bella was my soul mate. We were destined to be together, in this life and in the afterlife. I just had to wait to be with her again, and I would, because I loved her.

Trying to get past her death did not mean I was going to go out and find myself a new lover. Hell no. Christ, I didn't even think I could get it up for another woman. Bella was the only woman I had ever been with and I wanted it to remain that way. We were each other's firsts and we would be each other's lasts. I was her last and by God she would be mine.

Annabelle didn't want to sit in her seat at the table so crawled round onto my lap. Holding her to me, I turned back to my boys.

"Alright guys, I wanted to ask you something," I began. "How do you feel about mummy's things around the house?"

"You want to get rid of them," Louis declared, glaring at me. I sighed and shook my head, not wanting Robert or Annabelle to think that's what I was doing.

"No, l want to know whether or not you want to remove some of the items. I won't be removing anything without your permission. So rather than what you want to remove, is there anything of mummy's you want to keep?"

"I want her pictures," Annabelle whined, picking at her dress. Kissing her forehead and patting her back, I nodded.

"All her pictures will stay, darling, don't worry. What about you guys?" Louis refused to say anything while Robert shrugged.

"I like the house like it is," he replied.

"Okay, thanks. You can go back to what you were doing. Louis, will you stay and talk to me?" He was already half way out his seat when I asked. Thankfully he didn't put up an argument.

"What do you want?"

"If there is anything you want to keep then let me know, or let the family know, okay?" He nodded and tried to get up again.

"Louis, I'm not throwing her things out. I'm packing them up and putting them away for safe keeping. Just because I'm doing this does not mean that I don't love her still, I'm just trying to make it easier for us all." Taking in what I said he sighed and walked off.

That conversation went better than I expected so I really had nothing to complain about. Granted, I didn't get all the answers I needed but still, they gave me some indication of what I could move. I would store all Bella's clothes and her personal items from our bedroom away, and then I would put away her toothbrush, hair brush and other cosmetics.

Knowing that there was no way for me to do this alone I called my sister. Alice would never forgive me if I left her out of something this big. We were going to preserve Bella's memory and if I was to do it myself she would be devastated that she wasn't there to help.

Leaving the kids with my parents I drove home and within the hour Alice and Jasper arrived at my door. Alice's make up didn't hide the tears she had shed before her arrival. She knew this day was coming. It had almost been one year since her death. In fact, in four days from then it would be one year entirely since I lost my wife. I was not ready to face that issue just yet.

"So where do you want to start?" Alice asked, forcing on a smile.

We moved upstairs to the bedroom and I unleashed her on the drawers containing Bella's socks and underwear. Jasper and I started in on the wardrobes. Rather than throw anything out we were simply putting it in cardboard boxes. None of us could handle throwing away her belongings. That would feel like throwing away a part of her. No, we couldn't do that, we wouldn't do that.

Jasper kept his emotions to himself and didn't seem to let on at all if the entire situation was causing him any discomfort; I however was not so brave. Every so often we would pull out a dress or a jacket and I would instantly be flooded with memories of Bella trying it on, buying it, showing it off, wearing it, taking it off, hanging it up etc. It was killing me. Some things were just so special and it was breaking me apart to know that these items were now nothing without the woman who wore them.

Gradually we moved through the room, filling more boxes, emptying the place of her presence and after four hours of pain we were finished. Jasper took the boxes to the attic as Alice and I sat on the floor, looking round. The drawers were all open, the wardrobe doors open, and all we could see was emptiness. She was gone.

"You're doing the right thing," Alice said, looking so pained.

"I know, but it feels so wrong." Resting her head against my shoulder she gave a small nod.

"It feels wrong because it is. We should never have had to do this." Her voice cracked at the end and she wiped the first tear away. "I still can't move on. I miss her too much."

There was no point in me echoing her thoughts so I remained quiet, but everything she said was true for me too.

"Four days, Edward, four days."

It was impossible to think it had almost been a year. It still felt like yesterday that Bella died. Although back then, we knew it was coming, that didn't make it any easier. I fought to be with my wife every second and refused to let her go. Knowing that the power to keep her here, on Earth with me, was not mine to have, hurt like hell. I could do nothing to save her as she lay dying before my very eyes.

God, four days. Three hundred and sixty one days ago I was sitting next to my wife as she took her last breaths, heard her last words, and watched as the life left her body. I was the last face she saw, and it was one of anguish and tears. I couldn't even hold it together for her death.

Jasper came back into the room and saw Alice and I sitting on the floor, both of us crying and nodded slowly. "I called your mother; she's coming to pick up the kids. That way we can do the rest of the house," he said quietly, practically whispering.

"Thank you," I mumbled, feeling my body sag into the carpet.

I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. There was no fight left in me. I thought that after a year I would have coped a little better, been able to get back into a routine for the kids' sake, but instead, I had fallen apart hopelessly.

After my hallucination last month, my parents were still keeping their eyes on me, making sure I was okay, and my doctor, a young and overenthusiastic psychiatrist, was drilling me every session on whether or not I had actually come to accept Bella's death.

I always told her I had. I knew now Bella was dead and I knew she wouldn't come back. I knew that my hallucinations were not healthy and not something to be treasured. I knew all that, but still, it didn't mend the hole in my heart. It didn't put me back together, make me the man I was when she was around, and it didn't quench the thirst and need to see Bella again, in whatever form, whether it be a hallucination or not.

My psychiatrist didn't understand me, and how could she? She looked to be about twelve years old. She had no idea what it was like to love someone with every ounce of your being and then watch them die. That was not an experience she had, and one I wished she never got. Her sympathetic words meant nothing because she couldn't understand that I didn't want nor need them. What I wanted, and needed, was Bella.

"What does the journal say to do, at this time of year?" Alice asked, nudging my arm.

"Hmm?" I hadn't been paying attention and needed her to catch me up on what I had missed.

"The journal Bella left for you, what does it say to do?"

Truth be told, I had left the journal there while I went to live with my parents. I rarely looked at it unless I had to, but even then, I could still recite every entry Bella had left me so far. Those words, her words, clung to me and were impossible to forget, much like her.

Getting up off the floor I stumbled my way over to the bed side table and hunted the journal out. Feeling the weight of the book in my hands once again sent me a whole new wave of grief. In her last weeks she had spent her time writing this, to make me a better father and a better man, and I was messing it up.

Turning the pages carefully I found the entry entitled "One Year After".

_Well, it's been a whole year, and you've made it. I know the path here may not have been easy, but you managed, honey. One year ago we said goodbye. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now, Edward, so I will simply say this:_

_On the one year anniversary of my death, start living your life again._

_I know that you will never stop loving me, but I also know that you will still be living the moments I died. Let those memories go and focus on making new ones with our children. You are a wonderful father, so please do not let my death ruin what you have with them._

_Take them out and go have some fun. You're to have fun too, Edward. Miserable was never a nice emotion on you, honey, so don't make it a frequent one. You always look gorgeous when you smile, and especially when you laugh. So try something new, something different, and let them enjoy their childhood again, and perhaps you can enjoy living again._

_Look after our babies, and the rest of the family. Tell Jasper that if he doesn't make Alice a mother soon then I will personally haunt him, and the same goes for Emmett. As for my ladies, let them know I love them, they'll make amazing mothers, and I will watch over them._

_As for you, Edward, crack a smile for me, I've missed it. And remember, I'll always love you._

_Bella_

I read the entry aloud and both Jasper and Alice looked as upset as I felt. Bella, of course, had no way of knowing that Alice was a mother, that she would have been the godmother, and of how much we missed her.

"You should follow her advice," Jasper said, not bothering to hide his tears for once. "You need to start living again, for your sake and for your kids. We all do. We need to learn to laugh again, to smile, and if anyone can do that, it's Bella."

"What do you propose?" I asked.

Four days later, on the 12th of November, we all finally started laughing and smiling again. Everyone camped over at my house the night before and in the morning we woke up early to have a giant snowball fight in the backyard. My mother cooked us breakfast, opting out of the chaos, while war went down. And once the battle was over, we came in, hung up our coats, and feasted like kings.

The rest of the day was spent playing board games, watching movies, reminiscing, and just letting go. Bella's father even joined us, which was a pleasant surprise. After Bella's death, Charlie seemed reluctant to be near me. I don't know what it was that he didn't like, but it hurt to know he had turned his back on me when I needed him more than ever. He was the only one who could possibly understand the grief I was experiencing, yet he wasn't around. With his arrival that day, it was as though he was trying to move on too, and no one was going to deny him that.

By late evening the kids were all tucked up in bed, sound asleep, so we settled ourselves into the living room. Grabbing a beer, I sat down on the couch, surrounded by family and friends, and we were all thinking the same thing: why our Bella?

Alice was the first to get upset, but she was laughing at the same time. She recalled a silly story of Bella in high school breaking Jessica Stanley's nose in P.E. because she called her frigid. Rose beamed in pride, telling of how she had taught Bella that volleyball spike and how she knew it would come in handy.

Each of us went on, adding more memories, laughing and crying, thinking about Bella's greatest moments. Charlie was shocked to hear half the things his little girl had done, but thankfully didn't come after me with a gun when the saucier tales started coming out. I had Emmett to thank for that, who seemed determined to talk about how Bella would get angry at me for not touching her.

For hours we sat, drinking, laughing, and crying. It was the happiest moment I had had in over a year, and it was all because of Bella. Even when she wasn't there she was making us smile. We loved her, that much was obvious, but the extent of our love for her became clear that night. Each and every one of us would have done anything to prevent her death, to bring her back, and to see her again. For that, I loved them all, knowing that they felt the same pain I did, missing her in the same way as I was: as a best friend.

Recalling the day we buried Bella, I thought back to the speech I gave and one line in particular: "You were an angel among mortals and now you're finally home, back in heaven." At that moment I liked to think that Bella was watching over us, laughing and enjoying the stories we were telling, and keeping us safe, up in heaven.

_My beautiful girl, I love you with all my heart, now and forever._


	5. the end :

**Chapter Five: In Peace, At Last**

_Edward's POV_

Fifteen years. It had been almost fifteen years since Bella had died, and hell, those years had been hard. I took Bella's advice and tried to start living again, making sure our kids were always happy, and going out of my way to make sure they laughed and smiled. For me though, my smiles were half-hearted.

How could I smile when my wife should have been standing next to me smiling too? How could I move on and pretend that she wasn't missing? There was just no way for me to continue on as if she hadn't been the biggest part of my life. Bella was everything, and with her absence, I was nothing.

Granted, in those fifteen years, I did have good memories, but they were always lacking something, and that something was Bella. She should have been there the day we found out Rose was pregnant. She should have there when Emmett found out it was a little girl, and immediately he went out and bought the best dolls house money could buy. She should have been there when Lily had her first day at school. She should have been there when Louis, Robert and Annabelle started High School. She should have been there to see them graduate. She just should have been there.

Once again we were going to be celebrating a milestone and she wasn't around to see it. Oh, I did believe she watched us from heaven, keeping us safe, but that still didn't make it better. What I wanted was for her to be standing next to me, holding my hand as we watched our eldest son graduate from university.

When we first got married and discussed kids, these were the things we wanted to experience. We wanted to teach them how to talk, walk, ride a bike, swim, play sports, and see them on their first day of school and their last. We wanted to give them the best life possible. But what is life without Bella in it?

Her journal had been my saving grace through many turbulent experiences, and it became my bible. I treasured it, kept it save, read it every night in case it one day vanished like Bella had. She had prepared for everything. In the journal was her take on the big things our kids would go through: puberty, dating, sex, drugs, driving, moving out, university, marriage and pregnancy. Thankfully, the latter two entries were not needed yet.

Rather than stutter and stumble my way through the puberty and sex talks, Bella specifically wrote for me to hand them the journal so they could read. She let me dodge those bullets even from beyond the grave.

With each entry I grew to love my wife even more, which I did not think possible. And when my family had politely brought up the conversation of me taking my wedding ring off I had one thing to say: "Bella is still my wife, whether she be in heaven or on Earth; the ring stays."

My wife had taken a trip and I was going to meet her there. I didn't know when I would next see her but I would and we would be together forever then. God would not create a place like heaven if it were not to allow loved ones to be together after death. She was waiting on me, and one day I would come to her.

In the meantime, I kept up with the pleasantries. Louis, Robert and Annabelle knew I wasn't the same after their mother's death but they didn't comment too much on it. I was still their loving father, just lonely.

Over the years I had been asked out on dates, and hell, even set up on a few surprise blind dates by my well-meaning friends and family, but the women weren't Bella, and if I couldn't have Bella then I wanted no one. She was my lover, my wife, mother to my children, and my soul mate. Why would I ignore all that for simple sexual gratification?

Yes, I was a lonely old man just going through the motions. And that day I was attending Louis' graduation. The whole thing actually wasn't that bad, and I was very proud to see my boy up on stage getting his diploma. Bella would have loved it, and that was the problem. That's what made a great day become one that wasn't that bad.

Returning home that night, after the celebrations, I headed straight to my bedroom and changed. Throwing my clothes on the chair, my mind going a million miles a minute, I had to stop and take a break. I needed to get closer to Bella once again. Finding the journal in my bedside table I sat on the bed and tried to smell the pages, hoping some of her scent would still be there. It was as though she sprayed the pages, making them smell of her.

Letting myself relax at having her smell surround me I pulled back and flicked to the correct page. I had been following Bella's entries religiously and only rarely did I have to skip ahead some to get to a relevant topic. But every entry so far had been read. As if I would miss one out.

The entry title was "My Darling Edward" and had I seen this sooner I would have thought it a letter to me, but no, upon reading the words I knew it was not a letter but most definitely an entry to help improve my life.

_My darling Edward,_

_This will be the last entry I write to you, and this will be my most important. By now many years will have passed since my death, and I know for sure that you will still be wearing your wedding ring. I know you, Edward, and I know that you do not see death as a reason to stop loving someone and move on. I know you believe that we will be together again, and by God I hope we are, but until that day, you need to live._

_In past entries I have spoken about you letting the memories go, returning to your daily routines, and to move on with your life. But I know, deep down in my heart I know, you will not have moved on at all. So I'm telling you this: let me go, let me rest and let me be free._

_You are a glorious man, with so much love to give. Do not become a sad and lonely old man, with nothing but memories of love lost. For me, Edward, let me go. If you fall for another, then so be it. I will not love you less for doing so, darling. I love you with all my heart, and saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I'm ever going to have to do, but this needs to happen._

_Let me go._

_I told you the day we found out about the cancer that together we soar, but alone we can still fly. You need to fly now, Edward. Cut the ties with me, sell my belongings or give them away to charity, remove pictures of me, and start afresh._

_I did not get to live my life to its fullest potential, but you most certainly will._

_I cannot help but admit to you now that I cry for us. I cry for the life we will never get to finish, I cry for all the moments I will miss, and I cry because I know when you read this I am really and truly dead. I never stopped fighting the cancer, darling, but I knew one of us had to be realistic. Whatever made you think that I would stop fighting for us? If I could be there with you today, I would be, holding your hand and never letting go._

_But now is the time. Every entry has ended with the same line: "And remember, I always love you." Well this one shall end differently, but it does not mean I love you any less. For I do love you, and shall always love you, but it is time to say goodbye._

_Forget me. Those are my last wishes. Forget me, Edward. It's time to fly._

_Bella_

Reading her last entry killed me. I fell to my knees and reached out, trying to grab for something. That could not have been the last entry. No. I wouldn't accept that. Absolutely not. Flipping the pages I saw that the entries after that were addressed to Alice, Rose, Jasper, all our friends, our kids, and even one to our grandchildren, if they were ever to make an appearance.

She was gone. I had held onto her memory, her life, in that journal for fifteen years and she was gone, for good. It felt like I had died, all the pain and grief I had kept hidden and locked up over the years burst out and hit me, wave after wave. I was drowning, but this time she was not there to save me.

She knew, oh she knew, that I would never deny her last wishes. Those were the things she stressed upon. Those were the things she needed. If I was to deny her that, what type of man would that make me? What type of husband would that make me?

Sighing sadly to myself, I curled up into a ball on the bed and wept. There was nothing manly about what I was doing, I was weeping like a baby, pure and simple. I was admitting defeat. There was nothing I wouldn't do for Bella, and if she wanted me to let her go, I would do so.


End file.
